I am old. Send Metamucil and Life Alert necklace please.

Blaine.

Blaine.

Oh, how I love thee Blaine.  BUT.  Really?

The other day my incredible son comes to me holding his coin jar.  The coin jar is our random reward/punishment system.  My kid doesn't get an allowance, he gets random change or dollars for being caught doing good.  He also gets money removed when he's a shmuck.  The randomness of it all works for us, because it eliminates the pretending to be good to earn an allowance.  He's allowed to spend the money on anything he wants  (within reason, I draw the line at hookers and blow).  We love the coin jar.

So, he walks into the living room with the coin jar and I'm expecting him to tell me that he's got enough money for a new DS game or some other thing he likes (Bakugan?  WTF is Bakugan and why didn't I come up with this money-making bullshit?).  Instead, Blaine tells me that he would like to know how much money he needs to start his own bank account!  Be still my heart!  My 8 year old boy is fiscally responsible!  I am awesome mom!  I have taught my 3rd grader the power of money and savings and planning and...no.

Blaine then explains to me that he wants to get his own bank account so that he can get his own credit card so that he can buy his own membership on National Geographic's Animal Jam because I refuse to do that for him.

Stupid f'ing Animal Jam.  I've had to make up rules about Animal Jam.  Like "no talking about Animal Jam while we are in the car" and "no talking about Animal Jam while we are in the house"  and "no talking about Animal Jam while we are in a restaurant".   Basically, no talking about Animal Jam at all.  Ever.   I HATE Animal Jam. HATE HATE HATE.  Did you know that alligators and bears can get married on Animal Jam?  Did you know that you can shop at the store if you collect enough crap on Animal Jam?  Did you know you can "chat" with your friends on Animal Jam?  I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANIMAL JAM.  ANIMAL JAM IS THE DEBIL!

He's 8.  And he wants a credit card to chat with friends on the computer.  Oh, and he wants a Facebook page so he can post status updates.  What would he have to update?  "finished homework.  Am going to pick nose now"  or "Farted and blamed it on Kyra.  She hit me".  A friend of mine told me this weekend that his son, who is in 4th grade, has a Facebook page.  The friend logged on to his son's page to check it out and died laughing when he saw that his son was "in a relationship" and then changed it to "it's complicated".  What's complicated about a relationship in 4th grade?  Did the recess bell ring before you got a chance to punch her in the arm and give her cooties?

I have decided that I am just old.  OLD.  Fuddy.Duddy.  But I'm still the mom.  So there will be no 8 year old with a credit card in my house.  Or Facebook pages for Elementary schoolers.  I will be crapping in my Depends adult diapers before my 3rd grader can be "an alligator in a complicated relationship with a bear on Facebook Jam."